I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
