So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
