Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
