Your mouth is God's brothel.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
