I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
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ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now