Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Some Animals Are Total Jerks (10+ pics)
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night