Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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