Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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