Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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