There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
