I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
