so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
