I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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