I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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