I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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