im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
should my penis look like a turkey
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
