so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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