I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
