It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
