your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
