Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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