sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
