I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
