I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
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