Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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