the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
no you cant smoke seaweed
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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