who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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