At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Randomize
