If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life