Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize