you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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