I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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