No period for spring break; use this wisely.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
