I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
