So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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