Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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