Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Bring me that man meat
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
