Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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