Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
