so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I look excited, but its just a facade.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
