Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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