The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
