32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Still dying that you shit outside
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
