He disabled his match.com account in front of me
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
