Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
