I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Randomize
