there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
