It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
