dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
