It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
