we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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