I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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