I wish my penis had an off switch
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
