well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
