If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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