things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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