She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
