She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
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Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
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Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize