soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
