She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
