My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
